


Daddy Issues

by Daryah



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Crack, Family Issues, Other, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-28
Updated: 2016-07-28
Packaged: 2018-07-27 06:52:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7608103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daryah/pseuds/Daryah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Belle, fed up with the Stilskin men, enlists them into family therapy, hoping that they will resolve their issues. But as she finds out, they may need more than one session. Total crack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Daddy Issues

**Author's Note:**

> So one day Sallyjayne and I were talking, laughing about how the Stilskin men need therapy, we laughed about how it would go down, and this fic was born. A huge thanks to Sallyjayne who convinced me to write this, and I hope you all enjoy.
> 
> I own nothing except my delusions.

Belle was fed up. She left home to meet her little sister at Granny's for lunch, intent on getting away from her husband, his father, and his son. She could not handle anymore of Pan's taunting, Neal's standoffish behavior towards his father, and Rumple's bickering with the both of them. She truely felt bad that Neal would not speak to him, but Rumple wasn't making matters any better for them.

Belle didn't even notice Archie until she walked straight into him. He caught her as she stumbled backward.

"Belle, are you alright?" Archie asked, concerned.

Belle regained her footing. "Yes, yes, I'm fine."

Archie easily knew something was troubling her. "Belle, is everything okay? You seem like you're troubled."

Belle looked up at him, deciding that maybe it wouldn't hurt to talk to someone. "It's Rumple, Neal, and Pan. They are constantly arguing, and I just can't take it anymore. I've tried talking to them, but they're all too stubborn. I don't know what to do."

Archie watched Belle, wondering if he could help her. "Tell you what. I have an opening tomorrow at two. Why don't you bring them in, and see if we can resolve any problems with them. I don't think it could hurt."

Belle gave him a genuine smile. "Thank you, Dr. Hopper. I think that really would help them. It may take some convincing, but I'll make sure they're there tomorrow."

Archie smiled at her. "Okay they, I will see you tomorrow then."

"Yes. And seriously, thank you, Dr. Hopper," Belle responded as she left, heading towards the diner.

Belle walked in, instantly spotting her younger sister, scrawling away in her journal. Belle made her way to the booth, sliding in just as Emily looked up.

"I'm sorry I'm late," Belle told her. "I was just talking to Dr. Hopper."

Emily lookcuriously, her blue eyes curious. "Dr. Hopper? Is everything okay?"

Belle nodded. "Yeah, I just signed the Stilskin men up for therapy."

Emily's brows shot up, nearly disappearing into her auburn hair. "Seriously?"

Belle sighed. "They just won't stop fighting, and I can't take it anymore."

"Wow," was all Emily said as Ruby came by to take their order.

Belle decided she had to call Rumple and tell him. She decided to tell him in person, telling him to come to the diner, and to bring Neal and Pan. Sometime after their food arrived, the men came in, heading towards the girls' table. Belle noticed Emily watching Pan, a flirtatious grin on her face.

Pan spoke only to Emily. "So are we still on for tomorrow night?"

Neal looked at his grandfather. "Seriously, Pan? Belle's little sister?"

Emily did not appreciate Neal's comment. She got up and slapped Neal. He flinched, looking at her in shock. "What was that for?"

"I didn't like your little comment," Emily said simply, sitting back down.

Belle shook her head while Rumple sighed. They both had to admit Neal had that coming. Pan stood with a demonic grin, enjoying the scene.

Rumple looked at his wife. "Belle, what did you call us for?"

Belle looked at the men, Rumple watching her, Neal looking like he'd rather be anywhere but there, and Pan giving her sister a flirtatious smirk. She took a breath. "At two o'clock tomorrow, we have an appointment with Dr. Hopper."

As soon as the words left Belle's mouth, all three men immediately protested. No one noticed Killian, David, and Robin at the bar, having heard everything, watching them curiously.

Belle immediately spoke over the men. "No! This is exactly why we're going! I can't take anymore of your constant arguing. We are all going tomorrow."

Neal tried to sweet-talk Belle out of it. "Come on, Belle. You know I don't-"

"No, Neal," she cut him off, Emily snickering behind her. "We are _all_ going tomorrow. You are not getting out of this."

"Fine," Neal grumbled, turning and leaving the diner.

"Well, if the lady insists, I shall be there," Pan told Belle. Pan winked at Emily before he left.

"I may not be a pirate, but that's a nice booty," Emily said shamelessly.

Belle and Rumple turned to look at her, both shocked. Belle knew her sister harbored a crush on Pan, but she didn't expect her to so openly hit on him. Rumple was speechless, unable to believe his wife's sister was hitting on his father.

Rumple turned to Belle, looking pleadingly at his wife. "Belle, is this really necessary?"

"Yes, Rumple, it is. You guys need to stop fighting, and this is the only way I think you guys will be able to stop."

Rumple sighed. "Okay, Belle. If this is what you want, we'll do it."

Rumple left the diner, obviously annoyed, but Belle knew she wouldn't budge. She looked up, only to see David, and Robin moving to leave, just as Emma came in, looking at them curiously, obviously having seen Rumple's departure. Killian said something to her, then walked over to Belle, holding out his flask.

"Couldn't help overhearing all that, love. I think you'll be needing this," he said as he offered her the flask.

Belle took it, looking at Killian curiously. "Um, thanks."

Killian grinned at her before moving back to Emma, slinging his arm around her shoulders.

Emma looked at him curiously. "Want to tell me what that was about?"

"In just a moment, love," he told her, leading them out of the diner.

Belle just shook her head, turning her attention back to Emily. "So, what's going on between you and Pan?"

* * *

At a quarter to two, Belle, Rumple, Pan, and Neal piled out of Rumple's car and into Archie's office. They sat waiting for a couple minutes, all of the men putting like children, when Archie called them in. Two extra chairs had been placed in the small office, which Pan and Neal immediately claimed, as Rumple say on the couch with Belle.

Belle smiled at Archie. "Hello, Dr. Hopper."

Archie smiled back. "Hello, Belle. So, what seems to be the problem?"

The men stayed silent. Belle's smile tightened. "They will not stop fighting. Rumple and Pan constantly try to kill each other, Pan is always mocking him and Neal, and Neal refuses to talk to Rumple, who keeps pushing him."

Archie raised his brows and nodded. He knew he would have his work cut out for him. "Okay. So when did these problems begin?"

The men continued to stay silent, looking down at their laps.

Belle's voice was sharp. "You all agreed to this."

"Not exactly by choice," Neal muttered.

Archie looked at Neal. "Why do you say that?"

Neal was kicking himself for breaking his silence. Pan smirked.

"I just want my father to leave me alone. He let me fall through a portal, on my own, because he didn't want to give up his power."

Archie nodded. "Have you talked to him about this at all?"

"No," Neal said stubbornly. "There is nothing to talk about. He let me go."

Rumple turned to Neal. "I tried to find you, Bae. I always looked for you. I never stopped looking for you. I didn't want to do to you what my papa did to me."

Pan rolled his eyes as Archie shifted his gaze to Rumple. "Your father abandoned you too, didn't he?"

Rumple gave Pan a dirty look. "He did. He let his Shadow take me away while he stayed in Neverland."

"And how does that make you feel?" Archie pressed.

"Like a lost little boy," Rumple responded, turning to Pan. "I was always so sad and lonely, Papa. I didn't appreciate when you abandoned me."

Pan looked at his son. "Well, laddie, I didn't appreciate the dagger in my back."

Rumple looked at his father in disbelief. "I did it because you abandoned me to live out your childhood fantasy."

Belle closed her eyes and buried her face in her hands while Archie leaned back into his chair, his brows raised.

"Well, being a father is stressful," Pan retorted.

"I was a better father to Bae than you were to me," Rumple snapped back.

Pan's tone was condescending. "Who you abandoned."

"There, bond over that," Belle blurted out.

This time it was Neal who rolled his eyes, which Pan saw. "Come on, laddie, you did the same thing. Actually, you abandoned your son before he was even born."

"I didn't know she was pregnant!" Neal turned on him.

"It's kind of hard for her to tell you when you left her in jail for something you did."

Neal visible reddened. "That wasn't my fault."

"Sure it wasn't," Pan replied.

"At least I've spent time with Henry," Neal said angerly. "At least I try to bond with him, get to know him."

"I'm trying to spend time with you, Bae," Rumple tried again.

"You had that chance three-hundred years ago!" Neal exclaimed.

"And I spent all those years trying to get you back," Rumple pleaded. "I never stopped looking for you."

Neal didn't respond.

"But just think," Pan continued. "Who does Henry spend more time with, you or Hook? It seems to me Henry likes being with the pirate more. And they've bonded more. Just the other day, I heard the captain and him talking about going out on his ship, and Henry was asking him for advice."

Neal paled as realization hit. Henry did want to spend more time with Killian, and was always going on about their time together. Killian was always making time for Henry whenever Henry came to him. "Oh my god... Hook is a better father to my own son than I am."

Archie sat furiously scribbling on his notes.

Rumple decided to intervene. "Papa, stop antagonizing Bae."

"It's Neal!" Neal shouted. "And do you really have to call me that? Do you know what Bae means in Danish? Actually, it's really not your fault." He turned to Pan. "Who the hell names their kid Rumplestilskin?"

Pan just smirked.

Belle understood why Killian gave her his flask, and was tempted to pull it out.

"Will this be over soon?" Pan asked. "I have a date with Emily tonight."

Rumple became angry. "You are not dating my wife's little sister!"

"That's just wrong," Neal said.

Pan looked at Neal. "Really? Wasn't Emma seventeen when she had your son?"

Neal didn't say anything.

"Besides, Emily has fire," Pan said. "I like fire."

He decided to push Rumple and Neal further. "And what is it with both of your former lovers leaving you for Captain Hook?"

Both Rumple and Neal bristled. Belle considered taking a drink from the flask, but decided against it, not wanting to fuel the fire now that they were talking about Killian.

"Then again," Pan continued, "both of you have been known for trapping the women in your lives." He looked at Rumple. "You tried to trap Milah in a marriage to a coward, then when she did escape, you killed her." He then looked at Neal. "And you trapped Emma with a baby in jail, and are now trying to weasel your way _back_ into a relationship with her, and trapping her with words. What is it that Hook says? Oh, yes, bad form."

Neal turned on Pan. "Says the bastard who literally trapped Wendy in a cage!"

Rumple looked at Pan with a sick curiousity. "What is it with you and cages anyway?"

Pan shrugged. "They're fun."

"For who?"

Pan just cocked an eyebrow at him. "Says the man who kept Hook's hand preserved in a glass jar for three-hundred years. I saw it in the shop."

"What?" Neal sputtered, looking at Rumple in horror. "Why the hell would you do that? And why would you keep it?"

"It's called a trophy, son," Rumple replied.

"No, its called sick," Neal said before turning to looked at his grand-father. "And why the hell did you put me in a cage?"

"You were prisoner, and for old times sake," Pan replied.

"Yes," Rumple said, acid in his voice. "Because we all loved trudging through Neverland, looking for my grand-son, who _you_ kidnapped."

"It didn't seem too bad for you," Neal said to Rumple. "Between your outfit and face paint, you were running around that island like a bad Gene Simmons impersonator. And you weren't too concerned about Henry, sinse you though he was supposed to kill you."

Neal turned to Pan, giving him a dirty look. "And one of your minions shot me!"

Pan shrugged unapologetically.

Rumple turned to Neal, deciding to ignore his father. "Bae, I feel like we should talk more, that we need to work things out. Why won't you ever talk to me?"

"Why should he?" Pan cut in.

"Shut up, Malcolm!" Rumple snapped at Pan before turning back to Neal.

"You chose your power over me," Neal said stubbornly.

Rumple's face crumpled. "I was scared. And I took that power for you, to save you."

"That power is what ruined us! I was happy with our lives before you took it," Neal bit back.

"If I hadn't taken the power, you would have been taken from me and thrown to the ogres," Rumple said, his voice taking a desperate tone. "I did it to keep you safe and protect you."

Neal didn't respond to him, ready to begin his silent treatment again.

Archie took in the scene before him, Rumple looking annoyed, Neal sitting with his arms crossed like an angry four-year old who wasn't getting his way, Pan sat smirking, and Belle looked like she needed a stiff drink. He honestly felt like he needed a drink too.

"Okay," he said. "Why don't we meet back here same day next week and have another session?"

Belle didn't look up when she responded to him. "We'll be there."

Pan and Neal immediately scrambled to get up, racing out of the room. Rumple slow,y followed him. Belle finally looked up at Archie. "I'm sorry, Dr. Hopper."

Archie just nodded. "I think this is going to take a while."

Belle nodded, thanking him again, and leaving the office.

* * *

Belle sat at the counter in Granny's, nursing her drink, steadily ignoring Emily and Pan in a booth across the diner, when she spotted Archie coming in and ordering himself a drink. Archie made his way over to sit beside her. The diner was empty except for them.

Belle looked at him. "Please tell me you're not here because our session earlier."

Archie examined his drink. "I won't tell you that, then."

Belle turned around when she heard her sister laugh, just in time to see her kiss Pan.

Belle sighed, turning back around. "Remind me to ask Hook if I can borrow his flask for a bit longer."

Archie nodded. "Hopefully not too long."

Belle raised her glass. "To hopefully a short time in therapy."

Archie raised his tumbler, clinking them together. As they drank their drinks, Belle had a feeling her and Archie would become good drinking buddies.

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed this, I highly recommend you check out Sallyjayne's fics, especially if you want a good laugh.
> 
> Review?


End file.
